Uncensored at 3am

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I saw this on Allie’s blog and I’ve been wanting to do something similar for a while. It started with this blog from Make Under My Life and I personally think it’s a great idea because bloggers often create this sugarcoated version of their lives. And in defense of us all, I do understand why. Blogging is not diarizing. The Internet is not a platform for spilling all the beans with the aim of getting sympathy from total strangers. I often spend hours editing and deleting and re-editing, just to make sure I only say what is necessary.

A lifelong friend recently commented that my blog and especially the photos look so glamorous.  I took it as a compliment but the last thing I want to do is create the impression that I live this trendy, glitzy, opulent life. I struggle with a lot of issues. A lot. And today (maybe since I’m suffering from insomnia and it is 2:57am on a Saturday) I’m lifting the curtain on some of my issues.

1.     I get angry with my husband when I can’t sleep. I know it’s not his fault but I want him to make it better. And at 3am he just wants to sleep – I completely understand. But I feel very lonely and miserable when I get insomnia and I become the Needy Wife.

2.     I am guilt ridden. I feel I neglect some of my most precious friends. Because I work so hard during the week and have no mental capacity left on weekends. I easily feel guilty about every little aspect of my existence.

3.     I am insecure. I need constant reassurance that I’m enough. That I’m a good architect, that I take okay-ish photos, that I’m a good wife, a good friend, that my parents love me as much as they love my brothers, that I’m good for my dogs and that I will eventually be a good mother.

4.     I am territorial. Do not try to be like me, to dress like me, to like the things I do. Have your own story, create your own happiness, please just do your own thing and be unique, bitch. I’ll love you more for your authenticity.

5.     I do not do telephone conversations. I avoid it as far as I can. It makes me nervous – I always end up with the worst Afrikaans-English accent, I swop my words around, I stutter. Because I cannot truly engage with the person on the other end. If you really want to make me suffer, call me and strike up a half-an-hour conversation. Not happy.

6.     I check my blog stats often. Not obsessively but often. I know my blog is very small but it does make me very happy when more people visit. I love it when people leave comments.

7.     At 33, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I still don’t know whether I made the right career decisions. This is the cause of many panic attacks and regular small meltdowns.

8.     I obsess about the fact that some men allow their wives to be total bitches. That they actually like it and brag about how “kwaai” their wives are. And that the most beautiful woman in the world (and it’s normally the pretty ones) can instantly become really ugly when I hear how she speaks to her loved one. This one never fails to totally stun and completely upset me.

These are some truths about me. Read with an open heart because it takes a hell of a lot to put it out here.  Must try to get some sleep now. 

What about you? Are you longing to let out a small piece of yourself?